Surprise!!!

I had a very exciting weekend. My friends and family got together and had a surprise bridal shower for me. I was super surprised and felt extremely special. We will be married in 27 days and I really hadn't thought there would be any kind of celebration. We will be getting married in a visitation gallery with no friends or family present. There will be no pictures or flowers or cake or reception. Just the two of us and our friend Reverend Seymour, who has guided us through this process. We plan to have a traditional wedding when he comes home but for now this will have to do. I am excited. Its not the wedding I would have planned but I am so happy to be marrying my soulmate. Back to the shower...lots of friends and family were there. I received lots of gifts and we had great food and played games. It was very emotional for me. Just to know my friends and family support us. Even if they don't understand they still made me feel like a bride should feel before she marries her other half. I can honestly say I could not be any happier at this very moment. Life is good!

Friday

I'm excited today. In about 6 hours I get to spend 3 whole hours with the man I love. I'm always happy on Friday. Tonight is date night. Both of the girls have plans so we will probably have visit all to ourselves. Except of course for all the other people in the gallery LOL but it is nice when its just the two of us. We can talk and not have to worry about entertaining the girls or making sure family feels they are getting attention. We have had a very stressful week. I got some not so great news from my doctor regarding my reproductive health. It saddens me to think I might never be able to have another child. Especially his child. He is such a good father now to my girls (he hates when I say my girls because he says they are our girls) and I know nothing would make him happier than having a biological child with me. So for now I am going to take all my doctor's advice and hopefully things will get better. It was an eye opening experience for me. I have been relatively healthy all my life. No major problems. So it was definitely a wake up call to take better care of myself. I am not getting any younger and my eating habits are not the best. So I am embarking on a journey to make better choices about my health. I don't want to say I am going on a diet because that implies restriction in my mind and also a temporary solution. I am making lifestyle change. I follow several fitness blogs so hopefully I can get on track rather quick. Wish me luck!

History

People always ask me why would I want to spend my life with someone who has been in prison for 20 years.....and to give you the brief answer...because he is "MY PERSON" I used to watch Grey's Anatomy religously and I never understood Christina and Meredith and why they were each other's person. Honestly I have never felt comfortable enough with anyone in the world, including my family and closest friends, to just really be myself NO FILTER NO MASKS NOTHING! That is truly a revelation...the people who I feel are the closest to me have no idea of the pain and heartache I hide behind every day. So when I say he is "MY PERSON" he knows everything. We have no secrets. Because I trust our relationship and because I know he has nothing to hide from me, I am able to let my guard down and love him and let him love me. People always ask why is he in prison? He was convicted of first degree murder. Is he guilty? No. Why do you believe he's not guilty, a jury of 12 people believed he was, why not you? This questions takes the longest to answer and most of the time people don't really want to know the answer because by listening to this answer you have to believe that our justice system is corrupt. The system itself is not the problem. The problem lies with the people who are appointed to operate this system. First degree murder cases make or break careers. In the late 80's/early 90's gangs were a relatively new thing to Nashville, as far as Crips or Bloods, but the gangs came to Nashville and when they did it seemed most of the young black men living in "the Hood" were quick to want to join. Cyrus has told me about being on the basketball court in his neighborhood and the police coming and making all the guys lie down on the pavement and taking pictures of their haircuts looking for gang signs. He will be the first to admit he was no angel growing up. He got into his fair share of trouble. He was/is part of a gang. When you are young and receive a life sentence you have to decide how you are going to do your time. Joining a gang was the most obvious thing to do according to him. I have never been to prison and he has done his best to shield me from the prison culture, especially when I was younger but as I have matured and dealt with my own demons he has shared more of the things he went through when he was younger and how they shaped his prison experience. Yes bad things happen in prison and yes we have talked at great length about those bad things. Do I think prison has changed him? Of course....but I also think had he been out he would probably be dead by now. Most of the guys he grew up with are so....but I believe him when he says he did not kill that man. And I know that the prosecutor of his case knows he did not kill that man.

Another week down

When you are constantly living in a state of "when you come home" days take on a different meaning. Some of the women I deal with on Instagram have countdown clocks for when their husbands/boyfriends will be home. I don't have a countdown clock. As of right now we are in limbo as far as when he will come home. He has a brief submitted to the Criminal Court of Appeals. His case was remanded back to trial court on his previous appeal and he was offered time served and could have come home but the decision was made for him to stay and fight. He did not want to come home a convicted felon. The way he put it to me...take 20 years of your life...they don't have to be 20 consecutive years...take the 20 worst years of your life and just imagine if they had never happened. How would your life be different? That was such a powerful statement on how he feels and what his life has been like....can you imagine being imprisoned your entire 20's and 30's? All of the things you would have missed out on...all the life experience you gained....just gone. He has been in prison longer than he has been out now. He was arrested 5 days after his 18th birthday and has been incarcerated every since. We have made the decision that if he is offered time served again he will take it. We are not getting any younger. Our girls are soon to be teenagers. He has missed the majority of their lives. We would love to have a child of our own. I will be 39 in a few months. The risks that come with having a baby after the age of 40 scare me. So for now there will be no countdown clock for me. I always know that every day is another day closer to him being home but at the same time. I try to not get my hopes up. The same corrupt justice system that put him there in the first place is the same system deciding his fate again. We pray and just keep faith that everything will work out as it should but I will keep fighting outside while he keeps fighting inside. We will get through this just as we have gotten through everything else. Faith in God and faith in each other.

Surprise

Surprise! I got a very unexpected surprise today.....flowers at work! I knew he was up to something. I'm not sure how he orchestrated it but I am sooooo appreciative! 

Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day...the day of love....for most women this is by far the most romantic day of the year. Valentine's Day has meant several different things for me through out my life. As a child, it was a day to celebrate with friends at school. You would exchange cards and candy and everyone had a great time. The older you got, the more it meant that someone thought you were cool and was probably too shy to tell you so they gave you the extra special card or small gift. As a teenager, it was one of my closest friend's birthday. We always did something fun and rarely was the day about romance. Once I was married it was my husband's birthday, so I always felt guilty wanting something special on that day because that was his special day. So once again romance was not on the table. Not to say I haven't had romantic Valentine's days....I have. But for the last 10 or so years, there have been no special day or special feeling about the day. Just another day to remind me I was single or in a messed up bad relationship. I have a feeling this year will be quite different. My sweet man has been really hush hush about the whole thing which is unusual because he is definitely the king of romance. So I have a feeling there is a surprise in store for me. Which considering his situation is romantic in and of itself. The trouble he had to go through in order to pull off any kind of surprise for me is romance enough. We shared our first kiss on Valentine's day 20 years ago so the day itself really holds a special meaning for both of us. So while my friends are out enjoying special dinners and romantic plans, I will sitting in the prison visitation gallery eating out of the vending machine but the truth is I would not want to be anywhere else unless he was there with me. Happy Valentine's Day!!!

Visitation

Visits...if you have never been to a prison....prison on tv is not the reality. I've been doing this for 20 years so I would say my perspective is definitely reality based. The first time I went to visit was exactly 20 years ago this February 14th. It was Valentine's Day and he had just been moved from the county jail to the processing center. Immediate family only....so I took his mom to see him. I had planned on waiting in the car but she told me to come in with her because she wasn't sure what to expect. I went in and the lady working the check in desk was a friend from high school. She was like "what are you doing here?" and I told her I was bringing my boyfriend's mom to see him. She could tell I was disappointed that I wouldn't get to see him so she was like go on back and see your man. I was so happy!! We shared our first kiss that day! :)
Since that time I have visited at 3 places and they are all different in one way or another. The first place was ok. It was a long drive to get there but I would wake up at about 4 in the morning and get on my way. It usually took about 4 hours to get there depending on the weather. Once you are there you sign in and are searched. Depending on the guard this could be a "not so bad experience" or feel like your annual pap smear....even though you still had your clothes on. Most of my visits were "not so bad experiences" I guess I did not look the part of the drug smuggler LOL. Being a teenager and driving 4 hours to see your boyfriend who was doing a life sentence in the worst prison in the state was definitely not the turn I saw my life taking but I did it because I loved him and he loved me and for awhile I was the only lifeline he had. The next place was bad. I never wore the right thing and always had to change. The drive was long and boring and usually we were the only people in the visitation gallery which meant the guards watched us like hawks. Now he is at what he likes to call the "country club" of prisons. Although it is maximum security it is so much more relaxed. The guards do not hassle you as much. My clothes are not a big deal although there are some things that are not allowed. I get to see him 3 times a week. Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Most of the guys there have kids and it is mostly families visiting. You see the same people over and over and you feel like you belong to this club. We eat food from vending machines and talk and just enjoy the little time we have together. I realize I am extremely lucky in this sense because I read stories of women who haven't seen their husbands or boyfriends in months or sometimes years. I can not imagine what that must feel like for them. We talk on the phone every day and sometimes I truly forget our circumstances. He helps our girls with their homework and we always discuss what I'm cooking, what bills I've paid, what I watch on TV. He works and makes a little over $60 a month. He usually sends me most of that and keeps a little for himself. I tell him that is not necessary but he wants to feel like he is trying to take care of his family. My hope is that this will all be over this year. I pray daily that this will be the last Valentine's Day I will spend visiting at a prison.

The Truth

He is my Sun....I am his Moon....our lives totally and completely revolve around each other. The woman I am today is because of the love he has had for me through out my adult life. I have shaped and molded the man he is, the way he loves, and how he is able to give his heart freely to me. Our relationship is what people dream of when they are looking for the love of their life. It is almost too good to be true. We have been together since 1993 in some way or form. Boyfriend/girlfriend, fiance/fiancee, friend/friend, husband/wife. Our lives have taken some turns but we have always ended up back together. Our meeting was purely happenstance...he was in jail, locked up for a crime he did NOT commit and I was spending the night with my cousin. Back then folks in jail would just call random numbers collect and see if someone would accept the call. His friend(loosely using this word) called my cousin's number and us being the foolish teenagers we were accepted the call. My cousin and this guy talked on the phone and when he was about to hang up, he said his friend wanted to talk to me. I was uneasy...never had really known anyone in jail but I talked to him and the connection was instant. He was quiet and reserved not like I imagined someone in jail would be. He told me upfront why he was there and I was shocked but it did not keep me from hoping I would talk to him again. We carried on our phone conversations for awhile. I was 17 so I could not visit him unless my mom accompanied me and I was pretty sure she would freak out if she knew I was talking to some random stranger in jail. So his mom would call me on three way and we would talk for hours and hours. He wrote me and I wrote him....every single day.....we would write and talk about future plans, what he would do once his trial was over and he would come home. We never imagined he would be convicted. We were young and so naive about the law and what people are truly capable of. I turned 18 and was finally able to visit him. The first time I went to see him, I had no idea what to expect. I signed in and was led down this hallway to a room with little booths and thick glass and little telephones....it was almost like something out of a movie. I stood there and waited for him to come out and there he was....he was taller than I had imagined but his eyes were kind and he was very handsome. We sat down, both of us nervous and picked up the phone. It was nice to have a conversation face to face even if it was through thick glass. I looked forward to our visits. This went on for several months till finally his trial date was here. WOW! His trial.....I was not prepared for the emotions I would have and the anxiety I would feel watching people who did not know him, judge him and have his destiny in their hands. I sat through his trial and listened as detectives and people from his neighborhood told a story of a young man I did not know. I was scared to say the least. His lawyer was not prepared....the story of a public defender and the prosecution ate him alive. At one point I was asked to leave the courtroom. I have no idea why. The trial lasted for several days. I was exhausted emotionally and physically so I can only imagine what he was feeling but we were still optimistic he would be found not guilty and be home soon. This was just something we would have to endure for the near future but there was no way he would be convicted. How stupid we were! I can remember the jury foreman reading the verdict...it was like time stood still....when he said guilty...I almost fainted. I can remember trying to be strong and not cry. I didn't want him to see me upset because I knew he would be stressed out about me being upset but as soon as he looked at me I could not hold the tears back any longer. My future had just been rocked....I had no more air in my lungs to breathe. I was scared and I didn't know what to do at that very moment. They led him away and I collapsed. I remember his mom helping me up and crying with me. Life had just played a cruel joke on me. I had no idea what was next. Fast forward 2014 he is still incarcerated and still fighting to come home. We have been on so many emotional roller coasters. We stayed together for several years after he was convicted. Me making long rides to visit for a few hours. Our first kiss we shared in prison. Life was not easy for either of us. He was still a teenager with a life sentence in one of the worst prisons in our state. We talked on the phone once or twice a week because phone calls were super expensive. I went to visit when I could but he was 4 hours away in the middle of nowhere and I did not have reliable transportation. It was hard, I will not lie but I was in love and wanted so bad for him to come home. He filed several appeals...all denied....he joined a gang and basically gave up the idea he would come home and I gave up on him. We seperated. Not long after I met and married someone else. We still kept in touch from time to time but once I was married I focused on my husband and thought it was best for us to not communicate. I was not in love with my husband but he was there and I knew I could build a life with him. I got pregnant and had a baby girl.....I named her Kaylee Alexandra....my husband never knew why I wanted to name her that....but  Alexandra had been his name for me...I was his Princess Alexandra....and in my mind someway I thought she should be his daughter. My husband and I seperated not long after she was born. I ran into his mom and asked about him and she said he was okay. He had been moved to another prison that was worse than the first one. I told her to tell him I asked about him and to please write me. I sent him pictures of my babygirl and he was immediately taken....when I told him her name over the phone he cried. He knew the significance of the name. I went on with my life....a series of bad relationships and eventually had another little girl. Her father was by far the biggest regret of my life. I reached out to my soulmate once again to fill the void some other man had left and as usual he was there. Helping me emotionally, sending me money to take care of my girls, I would go visit and bring the girls with me. It was such an emotional time. I loved him and needed him but my youngest daughter's father was pursuing me hot and heavy and I gave in. Once again I walked away in order to be with someone on the streets. It was a HUGE mistake and I regret it to this day. We lost all contact. The next I would hear about him would be from his sister in 2009....he had gotten married. My heart broke. I remember grieving for him like he had died. I never imagined he would get married to anyone but me. I put him out of my mind and heart and moved on with my life. I was in an abusive relationship and just trying to survive daily. My life turned into survival mode. It was awful. One day at a time I picked up the pieces and tried to put my life back together for me and my girls. I got a good job, bought a house, but emotionally I was spent. I stayed single for many years and had just recently started dating again when fate would step in and we were reunited. He was no longer married and it just seemed like the stars had aligned and things were going to work out. He is still in incarcerated but is in the appeal process again. He has been offered time served and turned it down because he feels his life was taken from him. I want him home. We plan to get married in the near future and fight this battle together. He will come home soon regardless. This will be the journal of our struggle to get him here and the celebration of our love and life together. Stay tuned.